So, I thought perhaps it best to start an account of my life. You know, in case something ever happens and my soon to be X has me knocked off. Kidding of course, but in all seriousness, I guess I am craving a place to let go of all my thoughts and feelings. Cheap therapy. And what better place to accomplish this than a blog, right?
Basics...I am Shay, a 23 year old mother to a precious little girl. Her name is Ariana. At the present time she is 7 months old. Every time I look at her I am reminded that I have a purpose in life. I am so in love. I also have a soon-to-be Ex Husband I should probably mention, since I am sure most of my ranting and raving will find its source in his stupidity. That is not nice, Shay. Let put up a simple summary of the year's latest events so the reader may draw their own conclusions:
Cheating, lying, refusal to work, some more cheating, yelling, name calling, spending hundreds of dollars on porn... and yet, again, more cheating. You got it yet? Good, lets move on.
Okay, so it is 7:15 a.m. on this first day of June. I am sitting at my desk, with a can of Vault and bag of jalapeno Doritos from the vending machine. Some breakfast, but the lucky charms at 4:30 couldn't hold it. I am working mornings this week, lucky me. I haven't been feeling the greatest lately, probably a lot of factors are playing into this.
The weekend was an okay one. I had a couple drinks with our neighbors. Our neighbors, lol. They are great people, but not the type of people I would normally hang around. One is a Navy husband, and I love his wife. They are the kind of neighbors people yearn to live next to. The other set, with all their added roommates, aka extended family, are something else. No shortage of drama there. But, they are still good people. My Husband, Kyle, also likes to stand outside and shoot the shit with them. However, he doesn't drink, so after I have a few sips he feels the need to lock me in the house. Apparently I act a fool when I drink, but according to the neighbors, he was the only one acting foolishly that night. So much, in fact, I got a phone call from neighbor's wife, who was in NY, asking if I needed to stay at their place for the evening. I guess Kyle was talking about me in front of everyone, and I was either so use to the ridicule, or so numb, I didn't notice it.
I also went to Kohl's this weekend. I bought pair of shorts since it has come to my attention I no longer own any. I came home and Kyle laughed hysterically at the thought of me wearing them. I was pissed. But, hey, if I'm not sexy to him, I'm sexy to someone!
Which brings me to my little dilemma, which is more like a confession. The past week or so, especially since finding out about hubby's 4 or 5 girlfriends, I have been thinking a lot about "opportunities" I passed along the way, pre-marriage. I had some genuinely nice guys seek out relationships with me, and I always blew them off for Kyle. Even when he was out screwing anything that walked, I was laid up in my dorm room, or house, playing the back burner bitch. I am so pissed at myself for not dating around more. I mean, I had a great social life, great friends, but I was the type of girlfriend who wouldn't even give out my number to, or dance with another guy. I was incredibly devoted to Kyle. Why, I have no friggin' clue, because I was obviously not given the same consideration in the least bit. Now, when we were broken up a few times, I did sleep with a couple other guys. But, Kyle would come begging, and I would cut them off completely, thus ending any chance at a decent relationship. I also had lots of male friends I gave up because Kyle thought it was disrespectful to talk to them.
So, I recently got a message on myspace from one of these guys. Just a "checking in on you" message. I will call him Tricky. Anyways, Tricky and I dated for four weeks, right when I left boot camp. He was sweet, smart, a little younger than I was. And the sex, OMG, was amazing. When he left I found out through a mutual friend he went back home and go back together with his fiance. He got stationed out in California, and I spoke with him on occasion. He always talked about me coming out there. I ended up on the opposite coast, he ended up married and his daughter is a few months older than mine. I still fantasize about him sometimes. I figure if Kyle is actually sleeping with other women, I am allowed to think about what it would be like to sleep with another man. Especially since I'm not getting any ass at all. Kyle gets to have attention from all these other females. I'm kind of tired of ignoring the attention I get. I guess in these other men I am seeking the things I never got with Kyle.
There is also another guy, whom I never messed around with, but who I am kind of attracted to. He just has his life together, and is in a professional that is very family friendly. He has a lot of the same goals in life I once had. This is very attractive to me. I guess I'm just imagining what life after divorce will be like. I know I will never be with these people, but I enjoying thinking about it. I am also imagining what it would be like to go buck wild. I have thoughts about fucking all the men I've ever met that I was attracted to. There are a lot. I read all these texts between Kyle and these females, and they were very raunchy conversations. I would be jealous, except that I can't stand Kyle to touch me. It grosses me out. And so did those texts.
Despite having a baby seven months ago, I feel quite sexy. I by no means think I am gorgeous, maybe just cute. But I have always had a good amount of sex appeal, never had trouble finding a good looking man. I just don't know what will happen after my divorce. I'm almost scared of myself, having all this pent up sexual aggression. Wow, that sounds terrible. I'm laughing at my ridiculousness. Is that a word? If not, it is now. I am going to take a long ass nap when I get home this morning. Okay, I think I am done for the moment.
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